Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]