If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Milk Cube
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
the clam before the storm
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.