If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.