If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.