If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
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Oh. My. God.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Shower sex be like:
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.