If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*