If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
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I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I don’t think my car can fly
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird