If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
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grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.