I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
This kid is a star!
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.