@goodballs: If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, "Now you're super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
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@brentcetera: SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
@flashember: WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING
@Blarebare: My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don't think there's a jury in the world that would convict me.
@jonnysun: im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying