Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I have so many questions.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances