@Shock_Monster: If your bio says "Producer, entrepreneur, DJ, & businessman" I'm assuming you misspelled "Lives with Mom, works at McDonalds."
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@Home_Halfway: Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with "If you're reading this, I'm already dead."
@TheIronSherk: The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour
@michaelianblack: I like the way baseball players pick up each other's bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.
@BoogTweets: *Full parking lot* Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS! *spot opens up* Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!