One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
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Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Ovenable?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.