well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
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Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.