if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
“I wouldn’t.”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear