@Dr_awfulpants: If your boss says "Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to be in at 8am?" don't correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.
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@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
@Quadricycle: *Frantically typing on google* 'How to do CPR' *Opens video, 30 second ad pops up* [To dying person] Ok just hold on a sec
@ColeyGuacamole_: When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans" all I hear is "there's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
@goldengateblond: Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I'm hiring her as my personal trainer.