The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.