No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
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Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
No point crayon over spilled milk.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Education is vital
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”