@Vodkantots: If your boyfriend doesn't buy you chocolates today, it's probably because he thinks you're fat.
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@mortimermaiden: [restaurant] Manager: You're fired. Me: Why?! Manager: You're a bad waiter. Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
@OneFunnyMummy: Dance like no one's watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
@DumbConfessions: Relationship status: can't go to the same bar as last night, because I'm wearing the same shirt as last night.