Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
You Might Also Like
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
excuse me
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?