If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
You Might Also Like
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
This is me
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
three things we don’t talk about
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits