“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
You Might Also Like
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
is it earth
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks