@jtrulez: If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.
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@Chloestylo: When someone sneezes, I whisper, "Goes in tight.." It's actually German for "Bless you", but it sounds so naughty.
@proEXgirlfriend: Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you're on a diet.
@thetits: FRIEND: OMG I'm so glad to get away from my kids for a bit ME: haha yeah I don't think I'll ever have kids FRIEND: no it's the best
@panmidwest: FRIEND: hey while I'm on vacation can you come over and feed the cat? ME: FRIEND: ME: to what?