@jtrulez: If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.
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@slackmistress: Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
@hippieswordfish: it's easy as pie! 'what does that even mean?' *pie stumbles in drunk* pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge 'oh'
@murrman5: [date smiles as I pour more wine] it's like you're trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
@bornmiserable: POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING'S FINE ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL