Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
bout dat hot dog summer
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.