When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
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I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.