I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
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An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me too, bag. Me too….
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk