If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
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ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
How to draw a duck
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.