If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
how high up are we talkin’?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.