@JennyJohnsonHi5: If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don't even have to be gay, it's just a fun thing to do.
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@batkaren: [Cretaceous Period] T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier... DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha's weird but ok 1 sec
@Playing_Dad: I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway? me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car
@leechee420: How do I tell a guy that I'm only interested in him because I'd like to take selfies with his puppy?