If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
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Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Europe. Made in Germany.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game