If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good