If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.