If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Huge, if true.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*