If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
You Might Also Like
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.