If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
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i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
mentally somewhere in italy
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
me irl
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]