@2tickytacky: If your date asks what you do for a living, just say "You let me worry about that."
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@ElliotHetherton: Doctor: Any food allergies? Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me Carton of milk: That's not true
@RandomManik: -So how can we help you today Mr Benson? "Please. Mr Benson was my father." -Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?
@patnspankme: When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
@KissabiX: [at a farm] Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles Sheep: Look I got a new "hairdo" Chicken: Cool I didn't want to know any of my children anyway