If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
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4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
we’re gonna need another temp
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous