If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
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If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Spell check is for lasers.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.