If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Match dot com, but for socks.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW