@david8hughes: If your dog & your baby are fighting, it's important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
@ilovepie84: I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep
@kcmoore51: 11: You know what would be really ironic? Me: No, what? 11: If someone died in their...living room. The Twitter is strong in this one.