If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”