If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
This is my pinned tweet
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.