@Steelers1972: If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring .... he's a cop.
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@atDevin: What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven? If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong. The answer was "Nun of the Above".
@TawaNicolas: I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
@KeetPotato: [tied up by the mafia] any last requests? "yes, let me go" [still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]
@SoLongStephen: First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It's almost like they know I'm the target demographic.