If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no