If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
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10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.