If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
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nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.