The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
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If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Get in loser we’re going crying
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
how to have fun when you’re poor