If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool