If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.