If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.