“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.