My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
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You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
my sentiments exactly
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers