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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I can’t deal with men any longer
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?