@jayonguitar: If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She's probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny's again.
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@Grommit56: This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It's frigging cola. Who cares? Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there's Jif.
@RickAaron: "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
@prawn_meat: if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you "where's the fire" you can just make up an address. they don't have a list of current fires.
@NatetheEnigma: Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.