Day 2 of my diet
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Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.