I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
You Might Also Like
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Come back with a warrant
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters