sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
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I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
also my go-to takeaway order
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*