@Dutch_50: Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

@LoveNLunchmeat: This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I'm gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

@MarfSalvador: [being buried alive] murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

@jazmasta: That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine....imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?

@NewDadNotes: Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it's head is flat? God: yep Angel: What are you gonna call this other one? God: Phil