@lcspt: Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

@markydoodoo: Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of "Mommy!" 5 minutes of "Mommy?" Said "Daddy?" one time & my wife said, "You should go check on her".

@marinhubka: I moved to LA 9 months ago and I've just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

@david8hughes: So my dog's pregnant & she's never been in contact with another dog & I'm having a lot of accusations thrown my way.