@werehedgehog: *yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth* *closes mouth* *looks around to see if anyone noticed* *swallows bird* *acts like nothing happened*

@GensPlace: Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn't mean bottle.

@LemmingDad: When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they're saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@jergarl: Me: OMG I'm so tired. Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips. Me: I'm on it. A: And Cheetos. M: K.

@WilliamAder: People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!