[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”