If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
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What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.