@cervixsmash: If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you
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@IrishVin: Her: Can I see your phone? Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**
@Ristolable: ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
@AndRyanTF: You ever watch a really stupid person for like 10 mins and wonder how they haven't been hit by a train or carried off by a giant eagle yet?
@TheDairylandDon: Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.