@cervixsmash: If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you
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@Reverend_Scott: Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth. It was cute with Skittles. Then she switched to dog food.
@JElvisWeinstein: My brain knows that there's a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
@AristotlesNZ: Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home Having a kid really mellowed God out.