Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.