If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.